Brian J. Sullivan

Wanted: enthusiastic, hardworking, professional artist of the highest caliber with years of exhibition experience. Additional degrees and museum/gallery references a big plus. Send résumé, slides of your work, and a $45 jury fee to be considered.

We offer:

  1. Extremely difficult and somewhat chaotic setup and take-down schedules with no direction from leadership. Please note that you will be required to cart all your display and artwork in along an uneven and uphill winding path some distance from your vehicle. You cannot stake into the grass or onto the trees or light poles. In addition, we have installed plastic snow fences to keep you off the grass. You will be charged for any damage you do.

  2. We require your attendance for the duration of the whole show. Expect to work 15-hour days in 90 degree temperatures with no shade and high humidity.

  3. We do not pay competitive wages consummate with years of experience, nor do we even guarantee minimum wage. In fact, you pay us for the privilege of your attendance with no guarantee of sales, much less a profit.

  4. For your convenience we have provided several port-a-potties at each end of the fair. Please be sure to bring your own toilet paper and hand sanitizing soap because no water is available.

  5. While we expect you to have a first class booth display and fairly recent "white" tent, we are sorry we cannot provide convenient parking for you. However, for an additional fee the local high school 10 blocks away has graciously allowed a section of their lot to be used by you for a weekend fee of $75.

  6. We have provided a list of overpriced hotels in which we have reserved several blocks of rooms. If you ask for the "fair" special you may get a small token off the price. Of course you will always find cheaper hotels on your own, but at least it looks like we care by providing you with a list.

  7. The Girl Scouts will be again walking around with a wagon full of treats for sale to the artists. Bottled water will be $2. Please support them.

  8. If you paid for lunch ($10.95) you can expect to receive it sometime during the day. It will consist of a cold ham sandwich with mustard on bread, an apple, and breath mint. Those who did not order lunch in advance may purchase any leftover ones.

  9. You are also required to collect and file sales tax, and once on our state and county list, you will be sent monthly past due notices with delinquent fines for not filing each month. This will go on each month throughout the year or until you can cut through the red tape to remove your name (next to impossible).

  10. Again, for your convenience, we have hired a hard acid rock band (and paid them!) to blast loud and obnoxious music at your booth and your customers. Aren't we benevolent? We are always thinking of you!

  11. We expect you to show your best work and have your booth abundantly stocked; however, we do not provide security even though we are located in a rough part of the city.

  12. We also provide outside food vendors selling hot dogs, curly fries, and drinks. There will be no "artists only" line so expect to wait upwards of 45 minutes for the opportunity to purchase a hot dog at $7 and Coke at $3.

  13. From comment cards from years past, customers overwhelmingly liked the addition of the outside businesses. So, in keeping the fair as well-rounded and diverse as possible, we have increased our allocation of space to these outside vendors. To keep interest, we have interspersed them among your booths so they too can hawk their wares. Such vendors will include the five local radio stations, the animal and women's shelters, the cell phone companies, the beer distributor, and the local automobile dealer. They, of course, will not have to have the standard 10 by 10 white tent. Their space will also be considerably larger than yours since most have custom trailers and trained sales staff that they need to accommodate. In addition, they will be given first priority for setup and booth location.

  14. We offer no insurance, retirement, or health care benefits. You will be expected to use your own vehicle and will not be reimbursed for mileage or meals taken on the road.

  15. There is no opportunity for advancement, pay increases, or easier jobs. If you get hurt it's your problem to find another line of work.

We hope you enjoy working for us and find us an excellent company to work for. We must be a good company because each year we have over 1,600 applicants out of which we choose only 200. However, since many are grandfathered in, the number we actually choose is more like five to ten persons. But we like your money, so please send in your jury fee today. Maybe if you're lucky, someday you can work for us. And remember, if you choose not to work for us there are thousands more waiting to take your place!