Art Fair Junkie Wanted

Brian J. Sullivan

It's been a rough couple of years for me. First, my girlfriend of 12 years left me, my dog "Cello" died, the banks foreclosed on my house, and I had to sell my new vehicle in exchange for a beater. I moved myself and all my belongings into a 400 square foot studio apartment with peeling paint and broken windows. While living the reclusive, nomadic, and Bohemian lifestyle has been artistically rewarding for me, I am looking for a change (I am also getting older!). I've decided to place an ad in the local newspaper:

ART FAIR JUNKIE WANTED. Must like living on the road, traveling approx. 250 days a year. Candidate must be in good physical condition and be capable of setting up a large tent, all displays and moving large pictures. They should be knowledgeable in art and be a superior salesperson. Computer skills are a necessity along with knowledge in bookkeeping, taxes, insurance, and publicity. Must be well organized and of pleasant personality. Person hired needs to know at least basic English along with some street slang. Looks are very important since working with the public is 50% of the job. Must shave regularly and be content to wear limited outfits since space is at a premium. Domestic chores such as cleaning, ironing, and cooking are less important since your home will be the front seat of a pickup truck. Ideal age would be between 18-30 (I'm 55!).

I'm of average built with a slight Midwestern accent. I love dogs and hate cats (actually I am allergic to them). Other exotic pets I'm indifferent to. I'm a workaholic and am on the road 30 weekends a year. I collect plastic silverware, ketchup and mustard packets, and shampoo bottles from the various hotels in which I have stayed. I also tear out all the advertisements in magazines before I read them. I don't smoke or drink (much) and like to cuddle. I have all my original teeth except for five crowns. Every square inch of my studio is jammed packed full of art supplies and clutter. This of course is what my apartment looks like too! I have no job except what I can hawk on the art fair circuit. I shave regularly and am a great gourmet cook.

To be considered as an Art Fair Junkie (preferably female), please send all the following information before the January 1st deadline. One 8" by 10" color glossy photo of yourself, with a red dot in the lower left hand corner and an arrow in the upper right corner with the word "Top." On the back of the photo, please include your name, address, and home phone number, as well as your height, weight, and other measurements, birth date, cell phone, email, and web address. Tell me (not to exceed 25 words) why you would make a good Art Fair Junkie, your philosophy on art, and your artistic style. Include a description of any unique or special techniques you may have. Also include your $25 jury fee along with a SASE for return of all materials. Incomplete letters will not be considered. All checks are cashed upon arrival. A $35 fee will be charged for any NSF checks. No refunds will be given. Cancellations may ban you from future dating opportunities. A good, clear, and sharply focused picture of oneself is all the jury will have on which to make their decision. In case of questionable photos, the jury will read the 25-word personal statement. All materials due by January 1st. Art Fair Junkies will be sent notification by February 1st, including those selected to be on the wait-list. All decisions of the judges are final. All wait-list persons should be ready to come on a moment's notice; usually calls are made the night before the first day of the fair.

Send all info to: 49th Art Fair Junkie
c/o Brian J. Sullivan
1514 Grandview Dr. #9
Champaign, IL 61820